New Year's Resolutions

So here they are...I have a couple more that are more personal, but these are the big ones:

1. Bite my tongue when needed. I have a really bad habit of just antagonizing and keep talking when I know I should just let it go.

2. No more potty mouth! I think when I moved away from my parents' house and discovered that I could get away with cursing fluently I went a little haywire, and now it's another bad habit of mine. So for the sake of me and my kids, as well as my family and in-laws that don't like to hear it. Not to mention that apart from my older stepchildren hearing it constantly from their other family, my ten month old baby boy will soon be repeating everything he says, and I don't want him to be hearing it.

3. Procrastinate less. I think I've already gotten a good start on this one, and it pertains especially to making important phone calls and doing house/school work that needs to be done. No more letting it pile up on me.

4. Pass all of my classes. This one won't be so hard to accomplish. I'm used to passing. But I wanted it here so when I get Julian back I'll remember why I'm passing even if things get hectic with him and the other two kids home.

Old Blogs #2

This is an old blog I wrote last year (sometime) while in the midst of my now husband's nasty 1 1/2 year divorce. I was very angry and, you may be able to tell if I keep blogging, I'm extremely witty and sarcastic when I'm angry, so I thought I'd share it with everyone. I originally had this blog on myspace and removed it because the subject of the blog went whining and bitching to her ex mother-in-law, my future (and now current) mother-in-law about how mean this "little girl" is to her! So for the sake of my MIL's ears I deleted them. Now that there's no danger of the bitching, thanks to the subject's actions of the past couple of years, I feel no need to hide my good writing away from the world :)

Saturday, June 21, 2008..

My friends Current mood: amused I'd just like to clear up what I think may be an epidemic confusion. When I post a blog, or a bulletin, new pictures, etc., my primary audience is intended to be MY FRIENDS. Now let's clear up who is and who is not my friend. If you are on my buddy list, or have a small amount of common sense and moral capacity (cheating on spouses = no moral capacity) you are my friend. Congrats! You may take an active interest in MY life with MY man. If you are in fact one of those people who lack common sense and/or moral capacity (those of you who lack both, you know who you are) then you are in fact NOT my friend. I will be civil to you for the sake of some young individuals whom I care for very much. But being friendly? Not so much. You're welcome to "invite me for coffee" and/or "respect me for loving your children so much." I'm very pleased with both and would just LOVE to join you for coffee....just name the date and time! But I will never, NEVER, be your friend. Let's review: buddy list, common sense, moral capacity = friend :D non-buddy list, lacking common sense and/or moral capacity = not friend :( Now that being said, let's discuss, shall we students? What it takes to be an adult. Job, paying bills to the best of your ability, being a positive role model to children, and being mature enough to handle problems with the actual person you have a problem with = adult. We'll not mention names, ok? But you know who you are. You have a job...paying bills may not be your forte, but ok. I can't excuse using children for money though, sorry. Or being a positive role model....how is clubbing and casual sex with practically any man with a dick being a positive role model? And last but not least, come on now kids, I know you know the answer to this one.....who do you talk to when you have a problem with someone? I'll give you a hint, the answer sure as hell isn't "your ex mother-in-law". Thaaaaat's right, it's....the other party in the dispute! Ding ding ding! I think we now know that some people would just fail this patented adult test, huh? Oh, and one more thing. When one says that they are "over" another person, what do we usually take that to mean? In this lesson we'll cover it. Being "over" a person means having no real interest in their new lives with a new woman who treats him much better than oneself. Being "over" a person means NOT deliberately doing anything to sabbotage a relationship or to interfere with a NEW life started by the other party involved. Now I don't know about you, but if I had nothing better to do than to peek through Myspace to see what he's doing, to see what "that tramp who has him now" is doing, etc, I would go ahead and assume that you're not "over" the other person just yet, dear. Now I'd like to remind the audience (or, intended audience, that is, LOL) that all questions and situations and/or examples in this lesson are purely hypothetical. So if the pathetic people in my examples happen to sound like yourself, that's not really my fault, is it?

Old Blogs #1

This is an old blog I wrote last year (sometime) while in the midst of my now husband's nasty 1 1/2 year divorce. I was very angry and, you may be able to tell if I keep blogging, I'm extremely witty and sarcastic when I'm angry, so I thought I'd share it with everyone. I originally had this blog on myspace and removed it because the subject of the blog went whining and bitching to her ex mother-in-law, my future (and now current) mother-in-law about how mean this "little girl" is to her! So for the sake of my MIL's ears I deleted them. Now that there's no danger of the bitching, thanks to the subject's actions of the past couple of years, I feel no need to hide my good writing away from the world :)

Friday, June 20, 2008..

Stupid People I have a critical question to ask pretty much anyone with a brain stem (sorry aborted babies). Which should come first, getting a new tattoo or piercing, or buying your children clothes? Let me recap. Not so long ago, we requested that The-Bitch-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named send some nice clothes with the kids for them to wear to my friend Krystal's wedding (which was beautiful). She sent none, claiming that "what clothes they have are in that bag." So we found them some respectable clothes, which included me taking Carissa to Walmart for a pretty purple shirt to match her skirt for the wedding. This said shirt got sent home with the kids by accident that weekend. Now there was an event we were going to tonight (Friday the 20th) for someone I care a lot for. This said One-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was invited to this ceremony (which is fine). The only reason I mention this is to prove that she indeed knew where the kids were headed after we picked them up tonight. Joshua came out of the house wearing basketball shorts and a top to match. Carissa, a pair of bluejean shorts and a very stained t-shirt. Carissa told me "sorry Tiff, but mommy wouldn't let me wear the shirt you bought me." Instead, she opted to send her in a horribly stained shirt, as was every shirt in their clothes bag for the weekend. Now rolling with the punches, I picked out an outfit from the bag for Joshua to wear. The only pants sent with them? All were too tight on Joshua, they were hurting his stomach. It was after this that I discovered that all of Crissy's shirts were stained just like the one she had on. So we had to take another trip home before leaving for this event to get them some respectable clothes to wear, some that FIT and some that were STAIN-FREE. This detour, as which I'm sure the whole purpose was, almost made us late. Now since this custody battle has been going on (since July 16th of 2007), this particular individual has been receiving child support from Richard EVERY WEEK. Money that is specifically for things the children need (IE food, CLOTHING, water, etc). Also, since this individual has been receiving child support, she has gotten two tattoos, as I'm sure many people know are not exactly cheap. One on ..9/29/07.. and one on ..05/04/08... My question to normal, free-thinking, common sense possessing people is this: Which should come first?

It Needs to Be Said

I don't have a huge problem with life right now! Actually, as I said in my last blog, there are still a few kinks to work out. And I explained all about those in my last blog, so I won't bore you with them again. But I do have some new things to gush about. Well, not new, but things that have been welling up in me for a while now.

I was going to wait until I had Julian back in the house before I said this, but it's nearing Thanksgiving I just want to express how grateful and thankful I am for my family and friends who have stuck by me through this whole ordeal without once voicing any doubt in me as a parent. My outlook on life would truly be way lower if I didn't have everyone being so understanding and faithful. I mean I have people I don't even know very well telling me how they know I would never hurt my son, and I'm so, so grateful to those people.

~You know who you are and you know who you aren't, but I don't give a fuck about those FEW who aren't supportive of me and my life. Those people don't know me at all and will never get the opportunity to do so because they have forever ruined any chance at it as far as I'm concerned. It pisses me off that I have to add these parts in in the first place, but I'm completely over it. Karma is a bitch and my life is so much more fulfilling knowing that I'm an honest and loving person. I sleep great at night knowing that I'm doing the best I can and doing it honestly. I don't know how on earth some other people sleep. I just try and make sure to add a disclaimer so these people who are so pathetically self-convincing don't try and think of themselves as the good guy in all of this. I have no respect for people like that.

Of course, the biggest portion of this faith and understanding has to come from my parents and my husband. I can't express how much it meant for me for my parents to take such good care of my son while he's been away. My mother is a wonderful woman, and my soon to be step-dad is a great guy, and they've done me the biggest favor of my life (besides giving me life, of course) by making sure he wouldn't go to a foster home while we tried to prove that a bone disease and not child abuse was the reason he was hurt. The only way he'd get better care is if he were with his mommy and daddy where he belongs.

The rest of my family has been amazing as well. My grandma, through a certainly unhealthy obsession with knowing that I didn't hurt my baby, is the reason Julian has been diagnosed with Rickets. She is a beautiful, beautiful woman and she was so very dear to my heart before this, but I'll never be able to explain how much she means to me now. All of my family got daily phone calls from me while I had JJ in the house, and they know how much I love him and how much I love being a mom. Now I get the daily phone calls, of love and support, asking me for updates and wishing me luck every court date at 8 o'clock before we leave. Even in court dates with the-one-who-is-not-to-be-named we feel their love. And they love my stepkids just like they're biological family members.

And my husband? Oh, I've never been more sure of our relationship and our love as I am after all of this. We're so good together. He has given me uncompromising support and love, and I can't count the number of times he has reminded me of what a good mommy I am. These are things I already know, but even in the dark times at night I doubt myself and his reassuring arms around me and soft words whispered are so calming. My husband has never criticized me for anything, comments on how strong and beautiful I am, and it brings tears to his eyes to see how well I treat his kids, as if they were my own. And how well I treat our baby. Words will never be able to express my gratitude. He is a wonderful man and I'm so very glad I stuck through a nasty 1 1/2 year divorce to be able to call him my rightful husband. His name looks so good on me and our children, and I'm looking forward to many years with him. :)

And last but certainly not least, my friends. I have the best friends in the entire world. They have stuck by me through thick and thin with the same uncompromising intolerance of bullshit (remember that divorce? LOTS of bullshit in that divorce) and loving understanding that my family and husband have given me. I know I can always talk to them and get support and encouraging words back. A few of them have children close to Julian's age, and they're real mothers, like me, so they understand how hard it would be for them to go through this knowing they didn't do what they were being accused of doing. My heart almost can't hold all of this love.

Anyway, I didn't get to class this morning and it's Thanksgiving season so I wanted to give thanks. Thanks to my family and friends and loved ones, thanks for being only three weeks away from passing at the end of this semester, and thanks for the strength I have found in myself as a woman, a wife, and a mother through the help of everyone in my life. Even those who would try to bring me down can't touch me. Because with this support system and my determination, I'm untouchable.

General Update

I just wanted to put a general update out there for those of you who have been interested (not obsessed now, you know who!) in how my life's been going and my recent struggles and victories.

First of all, I am enrolled in school full time now, and am enjoying myself. Passing with flying colors, of course, made some new friends, looking forward to a career that doesn't include Walmart or the unemployment, K-CHIP line. It's looking like we'll have the money for me to finish my degree. I'm getting everything but gas money paid for, so that's a perk.

Richard has recently had back surgery, as you may or may not have known. He was injured in March just after we had our new baby boy, and finally had surgery the week of Halloween. He's healing beautifully, and the doctor anticipates that he'll be released back to work soon. This of course means a new job with a bigger pay raise, and a large settlement from the workman's comp people. LOTS of things to do with that money. ;)

~Right here's about the time some of my non-friend, in fact pathetic stalker people, will be starting to get upset. I'd like to remind those of them that are, that my blog posts are for my friends and those that care ABOUT me, not AGAINST me. So fuck off.

In the big news - Julian. My grandma has been a little obsessive during this whole ordeal, convinced as we were that child abuse wasn't the answer to what happened to Julian (knowing we didn't do it). Only instead of keeping busy and pissing people off that I hate to amuse herself like I am, she's been researching, calling, and spending a lot of time on my old dinosaur of a computer trying to find a way to prove it. And she did. What my beautiful grandmother did was send Julian's x-rays to a specialist for observation. That specialist responded by calling my lawyer to inform him that my Julian has Rickets, which has been our suspicions all along, due to the fact that it runs in Richard's family, our knowledge of never hurting our son, and more little hints that we found along the way.

Julian's blood was drawn and tested last week, revealing a barely normal vitamin d level, reinforcing the fact that he had Rickets when he was born and when he was hurt. Needless to say my criminal charges, which some people have had delightful pleasure in spreading around while they're not further destroying the psychological health of their children, will probably be dropped in my upcoming court date due to this new information.

So as you can see, my life is starting to come together a little bit. It's not perfect by far...yet. But I see a move to a nice neighborhood in a home that we'll own soon, getting my babies back, graduating college, and remaining with my wonderful hubby, without whom I would never have made it this far. And it's good.

It's All Coming Together...Maddeningly Slowly

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my neglect of my blog lately. Since I am now determined to make at least a loan payment on my work-from-home activities, I am hoping to update more regularly.

Why a loan payment, you may ask? That's a long story...perhaps one best left for another blog. We'll be moving soon if we get it, to the marital residence my husband won in his divorce.

The main reason I am writing this post is to give those who may not know the whole story involving my baby boy the opportunity to ask me to clarify it for them. I am only offering this story now because I feel like people who don't even know me have given me more support than I ever thought possible. And those that do know me? I'll never be able to thank them enough for it, just the amazing support and love I've been shown. If I get enough comments on this post asking for the story, I will be happy to oblige. However, I may make it a private post so that people I don't care about or even know won't know my entire crisis. If you do not follow me on this blog and want me to post it on another, like Facebook or Myspace, let me know in the comment. I will draft and post it here, then copy it to the other two, where I know I only add people I know.

This ordeal is hopefully almost over, as far as J being out of our home. I'm hoping against hope that by the end of October (more specifically, by Halloween) we'll have him back.

In other news, I have started school this fall at Madisonville Community College. I know, big 'who cares?' I was out of school for two years, had a baby and a wedding, and now I'm back. And I love it. It's really only costing us the gas it takes to get back and forth, and the time, so I don't feel like I'm putting financial strain on our family, and it gets me closer to a real career instead of endless Family Dollar or other cashier jobs. What career? I think it official term is undecided...

Anyway, as you can see, things seem to be coming together for me, finally. There will be a big huge post when I get J back to express my happiness and excitement, and to express the love and gratefulness I feel toward everyone who has shown me such wonderful support.

For now, though, the kids are hungry and they go to their mom's today, so it's time to have fun with them.

The next time the phone rings, what would you like to hear when you pick it up?

"Your son is on his way home, ma'am. We're so sorry for the misunderstanding. We know now that you would never hurt him. You love your son and we're sorry he was away for so long. Please enjoy the rest of your life with him, he's so precious."

Wednesdays

I feel the urgent need to post something today since it's been two days since my last one, so here goes. I figured I'd do the one minute writing: What day of the week is your favorite, and why?

The truth is, and most housewives and moms would totally disagree with me, is that Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. At least, for now. See, on Wednesdays there is usually very little to have to run around and do. No doctor's appointments, no parenting classes, or picking up/dropping off the kids. I can hang out in my housework clothes and play with the kids between loads of dishes (where do they all come from?). I can work or write or read, make love to my husband, anything on Wednesdays because there's not much to do. Even during baseball season with the stepkids, there weren't many games on Wednesdays, no practices. Just homework, dinner, bath and bed. Ah, Wednesdays...

Writing of the Day

So I've recently come across a blog where the writer gives her readers a writing prompt of the day and she asks them to write for a minute on the subject. I've decided that this can be a good thing for writing practice, since I frequently feel the urge to write and often lack a topic. So, here goes...

High schools often name one graduate as "Most Likely to Be Famous." What should your "Most Likely to Be..." title have been in high school?

There could be so many answers to this prompt. But throughout high school and since I would have to say I'd be named "Most Likely to Surprise Herself." Through high school and ever since, I've thought I've known who I am. I'm the me I'm comfortable being, and then, all of a sudden, I'm a completely new me. For instance, sports had been a big part of my life from the time I was six or so until I was a sophomore in high school. Then, all of a sudden, I didn't care about it anymore, so I quit. Just walked out of a conditioning practice.

Another, more recent, example is this: Most of my life I've sworn to my family and friends that I didn't want to be married or have kids, it just wasn't me. Then, again all of a sudden, I fell in love with a man named Richard, and fell even harder for his two little ones, C and J (girl and boy). To top that off, I go and have a baby with him, and my whole life changed, for the better. Surprised? You bet, but so happy, as well.

Maybe this happens to everyone. All of a sudden we realize we're not who we thought we were. We're doing something we wouldn't do a year ago, trying something we swore we'd never try, making a life for ourselves we swore we didn't want.

I could've been many things, Most Likely to Succeed, Most Likely to Be a Lesbian, many things. But instead, much to my surprise, I am Most Likely to Surprise Herself. And I am proud of it.

Ready, Set...Oh Wait the Car is Broke

You heard it right, ladies and gentleman...thankfully we had the extra money (well, not extra, it was kind of grocery money) when our car decided to leak oil and blow out blue smoke today, an hour from home, at the in-laws. Here I have one thing to say...thank goodness I like my in-laws! Richard's cousin told us "what was wrong with it" and that it would be 500-600 dollars to fix. A car place said that to fix what was "most likely" the trouble would be 1200 dollars. Right...So we went to a garage who, thankfully, do things cheap and effeciently to pay the 10 dollar fee to put the car up on the lift-y thing-y and see what was wrong. Apparently, it was an oil sending unit, a part that the car-illiterate me did not even know existed. Let me clarify. This piece was about three inches long, not even an inch wide, looked like a little cylinder, and cost a grand total of....drumroll please...15.99. A total of 46.something to fix the car period. I almost cried and hugged the extremely greasy man standing in front of me. So fifteen minutes later...fixed! That was at about four, and then later....on the way home...



I won Kelly Clarkson tickets on Hot 96! Again, I will clarify. In my area there is a radio station that I am, quite frankly, addicted to, called Hot 96 STO that is based out of Evansville, Indiana. They were having a contest called RC Tops off for Summer or some such title. If you were caller 96, you simply pick a number from one to 96 and see what's under the lid! It was the last time they were playing this game, and I was caller 96. I almost fell out of the car. J, my stepson, gave me the number and I won concert tickets. It was between Jason Mraz and Kelly Clarkson, and I know more Kelly Clarkson songs so that was my pick. Yay! I never win ANYTHING! My stepson, of course, was only interested in hearing his name on the radio, lol.



It seems like I'm forgetting something sweet and poetic I wanted to say. Eh, I'll post another if that's the case.

Just...Everything

"Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow and the leprechauns went and booby trapped it."

Ahh, such is life. I have so much to talk about I better dive right in. First of all, about the new template. I've decided that this blog may be the most important thing to my sense of self right now, and I want to dedicate myself to trusting this blog like I've never trusted any (thing) before. I plan to be as brutally honest as I can with myself here, and though that's going to be a tough journey, I'll be able to look back and see how it's gone and how much left I've to do. My template is now the "music is my life" one, but will be changing often, as with my myspace page. I literally looked for hours for the four decent ones I have bookmarked. I didn't want it to be over the top because the purpose of this blog is to see me, my words, my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears, instead of what half naked guy is in my background. So honestly? Here goes...

First of all, I have a new writing job with an old friend from GearUp camp, Sarah. I really enjoy this job because...well...I love to write. I don't think I've ever recently realized, as a matter of fact, how much I enjoy writing until I got an email offering me a contract and actually got the goosebumps, hug somebody excitement I get when I'm passionate about something. It has, in fact, made me re-think my career choice, but that's another paragraph...

This paragraph. I realize the transitions in my blogs will not be perfect, which is one of the fatal flaws of my writing in general, but again, it's just one of those things. I am going to attempt to return to college this fall at Madisonville Community College. Only now I find out I may not be able to because when I got married, which was right around tax return and FAFSA time (February 20th, 2009), I was in the process of changing my name from Pippen to Fletcher and now the social security office has messed up somewhere and that needs to be repaired before I can begin to re-submit my FAFSA. And with no financial aid, there will be no college for me. Even if I could go though, I'm interested intellectually in so many things. At first I turned toward teaching. But what age? And what subject? Math or English, it's gotta be one of those, but which? So many decisions I thought would just come to me in adulthood are swirling around in my mind constantly.

And speaking of minds (god what a bad segue, I really have to work on that) I've been having migraines lately that make me think something may be wrong with me. Of course, it could just be the remains of a head cold I've had recently, and I'm hoping it is because stress headaches stink. As a matter of fact, I can't really function with any kind of headache, and I don't ever remember having ones this bad before.

ADHD. In my opinion, a completely inaccurate diagnosis for anyone under the age of, say, 14. In my opinion, again, ADHD is the lazy parent's way of saying "I can't handle my children." The biological mother of my two stepkids is claiming now that Carissa is suffering from ADHD. But here's the thing. ALL kids are hyper. ALL kids lack a long attention span. This is not an uncommon occurance. I am just thankful that she is not allowed to put my sweet, hyper Crissy on any kinds of medication without Richard's legal consent and signature. It's just ridiculous, in my opinion.

Ok, I'm geting closer to the end of this small, random, stream of consciousness book I'm writing, so fear not. The last thing I want to discuss is my recently started and then stopped journey of weight loss and health-gaining. I started keeping a food journal, walking and doing strength exercises five days a week. That lasted for two weeks. At that point my mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law came to stay with us for a week while Richard's parents had a little spat, and my diet and exercise plan went out the window because I was too self-concious to exercise in front of or even in the same house as them. I am, for those who do not know me, severely overweight. I would love to lose the weight at this point in my life. After my son was taken from us, I got nauseous every day at about the same time and decided that it was stress causing it. Right about that time I decided to go on this weight loss journey and once I started exercising my nausea went away. So I've discovered that one: it's a good stress reliever and two: I had lost about three pounds in two weeks doing this, and I should've kept at it. I need to buy a set of scales and just do it. I didn't mind doing it at all. My only problem, I think, will be forcing myself up in early morning hours to exercise because I am so busy the rest of the day. It will take time to get into the habit, but I need to do it.

Now that I've written a novella similar in structure to The Catcher in the Rye, it is time to say goodnight for now. I will try to keep a running tab on things I want to record here and stay loyal to my new blogging habit.

Forgot

I'm so forgetful it's quite sad, sometimes. The other day I posted a blog entry to the effect that I was worried about being pregnant...that's a negative, Roger Roger. However I was taking some antibiotics for a cold while I was on what was supposed to be and ended up finally being my period, so there's a whole new level of worry now. Is my type of antibiotics one of the kinds that screw up birth control? Probably.

In other news, Richard and I have family court July 21st so the judge can decide if she thinks we are guilty or not guilty. I have never been so terrified in my entire life. To love a child as much as I do my son only to have the threat of having him taken away from me forever is my worst nightmare, and I truly hope no one who is innocent of child abuse ever has to go through what my husband and I have been put through because of an accident.

Oh, and one more thing. Now that my articles are written I have five hours to sleep before we get up to go fishing. Must...go...to...bed!

Before I Forget

I wanted to get this memory down before I forgot to do so.
Yesterday at my in-laws fourth of July celebration, Richard's uncle Eugene gave me a big hug and said "You're very precious to us." I wanted to get this down because it will always be a precious memory to me, to be accepted by another family so whole-heartedly.

What to do...

My greatest stressor at the moment (and believe me, they change so often) is that today, Thursday, is the fourth day for my period week of birth control pills and I have yet to start the dreaded-but-sometimes-hoped-for menstrual period. The good news is that, if I am pregnant, I'll likely be able to narrow down a DOC (date of conception). I forgot to take my pill one day until almost midnight, and the day before I had taken my pill in the morning, effectively missing over twenty-four hours without my pill. Smart Tiffy! The bad news? If social services find out about it, (assuming I am, of course) they may try to take this baby too, until Richard and I can prove we didn't hurt Julian. So I'm looking at having to hide the fact that I'm pregnant for a few months, if I am.

This is the time for me to give myself a mental b***h slap and wait the three more days I have left to wait before jumping the gun on this. The thing is, my periods are steady and regular when I'm on birth control. So what's up with this?

My first blog. Hopefully this will be a turning point for me in my as-yet failed attempts to keep up with a blog. I will try my best to update regularly though I'm sure it may not be that way. We will see as my new writing job develops and I (hopefully) start school back this fall.