Here Goes Nothing...

So as most of you know, my life has basically been in shambles lately. Fighting the courts for my beautiful baby boy (and winning so far), fighting a psycho for my husband's right to see his kids (keep reading bitch, I know my life's interesting), along with school and work. Granted, things have definitely been improving for me - things are looking up in both courts, and as usual I have a handle on class and work.

But I've been thinking a lot lately - about how I get winded easily, feel lethargic and stressed, and a need for an outlet and to feel healthier than I have since I played sports in high school. How when I get my kids back they're going to need me to be able to keep up with them (hyper butts as they are) and be in their lives as long as possible as a positive role model. Some news I received recently sealed the deal.

Last Monday I had blood drawn to have my Vitamin D level tested. Today I received the results. For a person over the age of 18 optimal Vitamin D level is between 30 and 80, and anything under 20 is considered a deficiency. My level is 17. Even though I was told throughout my pregnancy that my baby and I were both healthy and fine, Julian and I were both severely deficient at the time of his birth. The doctor who provided us with the report on Julian's bone problems told me then that I had several risk factors of being deficient as well, including my fair skin and obesity, which is why I got tested in the first place. And like I said, that was it.

I've been working on losing weight and becoming healthier for a couple of weeks now, and it's already starting to pay off. I've lost about five pounds, I already feel less stressed and more healthy, and I've noticed I don't need a nap during the day to get through it with the energy I need to get things done. I own a couple of exercise videos and I go out of my way to climb stairs at school. I'm also on 1000mg Vitamin D twice a day (yes, that's a full 1600mg more than normal people need). I'm determined not to let this crap happen again, and to do everything in my power to make sure Julian and my bones are strong and healthy like they should be.

I'm not doing this for my husband - he has never criticized me for my weight and his support so far has been invaluable to me. I'm not doing this to be stick thin or for society to like me better. For those of you who know me well you know I've never given a damn about what anyone thinks of me. I've decided to do this for me but most of all for my beautiful children, biological and step, who deserve my full effort and health to enjoy life with them as they grow, laugh and live.

I'm hoping that by putting myself and my goals out there I will be more accountable to myself. I feel good about this, and I welcome any positive support from my wonderful friends and family who have always been so great to me. If you have nothing but negatives, however, please keep it to yourself. I have no room for negative and drama-filled people in my life.

Oh, and I will be trying to update my blog more often when I weigh in and stuff, to keep my progress recorded and hopefully keep up the support and encouragement I know I'll get throughout my journey.

New Year's Resolutions

So here they are...I have a couple more that are more personal, but these are the big ones:

1. Bite my tongue when needed. I have a really bad habit of just antagonizing and keep talking when I know I should just let it go.

2. No more potty mouth! I think when I moved away from my parents' house and discovered that I could get away with cursing fluently I went a little haywire, and now it's another bad habit of mine. So for the sake of me and my kids, as well as my family and in-laws that don't like to hear it. Not to mention that apart from my older stepchildren hearing it constantly from their other family, my ten month old baby boy will soon be repeating everything he says, and I don't want him to be hearing it.

3. Procrastinate less. I think I've already gotten a good start on this one, and it pertains especially to making important phone calls and doing house/school work that needs to be done. No more letting it pile up on me.

4. Pass all of my classes. This one won't be so hard to accomplish. I'm used to passing. But I wanted it here so when I get Julian back I'll remember why I'm passing even if things get hectic with him and the other two kids home.

Old Blogs #2

This is an old blog I wrote last year (sometime) while in the midst of my now husband's nasty 1 1/2 year divorce. I was very angry and, you may be able to tell if I keep blogging, I'm extremely witty and sarcastic when I'm angry, so I thought I'd share it with everyone. I originally had this blog on myspace and removed it because the subject of the blog went whining and bitching to her ex mother-in-law, my future (and now current) mother-in-law about how mean this "little girl" is to her! So for the sake of my MIL's ears I deleted them. Now that there's no danger of the bitching, thanks to the subject's actions of the past couple of years, I feel no need to hide my good writing away from the world :)

Saturday, June 21, 2008..

My friends Current mood: amused I'd just like to clear up what I think may be an epidemic confusion. When I post a blog, or a bulletin, new pictures, etc., my primary audience is intended to be MY FRIENDS. Now let's clear up who is and who is not my friend. If you are on my buddy list, or have a small amount of common sense and moral capacity (cheating on spouses = no moral capacity) you are my friend. Congrats! You may take an active interest in MY life with MY man. If you are in fact one of those people who lack common sense and/or moral capacity (those of you who lack both, you know who you are) then you are in fact NOT my friend. I will be civil to you for the sake of some young individuals whom I care for very much. But being friendly? Not so much. You're welcome to "invite me for coffee" and/or "respect me for loving your children so much." I'm very pleased with both and would just LOVE to join you for coffee....just name the date and time! But I will never, NEVER, be your friend. Let's review: buddy list, common sense, moral capacity = friend :D non-buddy list, lacking common sense and/or moral capacity = not friend :( Now that being said, let's discuss, shall we students? What it takes to be an adult. Job, paying bills to the best of your ability, being a positive role model to children, and being mature enough to handle problems with the actual person you have a problem with = adult. We'll not mention names, ok? But you know who you are. You have a job...paying bills may not be your forte, but ok. I can't excuse using children for money though, sorry. Or being a positive role model....how is clubbing and casual sex with practically any man with a dick being a positive role model? And last but not least, come on now kids, I know you know the answer to this one.....who do you talk to when you have a problem with someone? I'll give you a hint, the answer sure as hell isn't "your ex mother-in-law". Thaaaaat's right, it's....the other party in the dispute! Ding ding ding! I think we now know that some people would just fail this patented adult test, huh? Oh, and one more thing. When one says that they are "over" another person, what do we usually take that to mean? In this lesson we'll cover it. Being "over" a person means having no real interest in their new lives with a new woman who treats him much better than oneself. Being "over" a person means NOT deliberately doing anything to sabbotage a relationship or to interfere with a NEW life started by the other party involved. Now I don't know about you, but if I had nothing better to do than to peek through Myspace to see what he's doing, to see what "that tramp who has him now" is doing, etc, I would go ahead and assume that you're not "over" the other person just yet, dear. Now I'd like to remind the audience (or, intended audience, that is, LOL) that all questions and situations and/or examples in this lesson are purely hypothetical. So if the pathetic people in my examples happen to sound like yourself, that's not really my fault, is it?

Old Blogs #1

This is an old blog I wrote last year (sometime) while in the midst of my now husband's nasty 1 1/2 year divorce. I was very angry and, you may be able to tell if I keep blogging, I'm extremely witty and sarcastic when I'm angry, so I thought I'd share it with everyone. I originally had this blog on myspace and removed it because the subject of the blog went whining and bitching to her ex mother-in-law, my future (and now current) mother-in-law about how mean this "little girl" is to her! So for the sake of my MIL's ears I deleted them. Now that there's no danger of the bitching, thanks to the subject's actions of the past couple of years, I feel no need to hide my good writing away from the world :)

Friday, June 20, 2008..

Stupid People I have a critical question to ask pretty much anyone with a brain stem (sorry aborted babies). Which should come first, getting a new tattoo or piercing, or buying your children clothes? Let me recap. Not so long ago, we requested that The-Bitch-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named send some nice clothes with the kids for them to wear to my friend Krystal's wedding (which was beautiful). She sent none, claiming that "what clothes they have are in that bag." So we found them some respectable clothes, which included me taking Carissa to Walmart for a pretty purple shirt to match her skirt for the wedding. This said shirt got sent home with the kids by accident that weekend. Now there was an event we were going to tonight (Friday the 20th) for someone I care a lot for. This said One-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was invited to this ceremony (which is fine). The only reason I mention this is to prove that she indeed knew where the kids were headed after we picked them up tonight. Joshua came out of the house wearing basketball shorts and a top to match. Carissa, a pair of bluejean shorts and a very stained t-shirt. Carissa told me "sorry Tiff, but mommy wouldn't let me wear the shirt you bought me." Instead, she opted to send her in a horribly stained shirt, as was every shirt in their clothes bag for the weekend. Now rolling with the punches, I picked out an outfit from the bag for Joshua to wear. The only pants sent with them? All were too tight on Joshua, they were hurting his stomach. It was after this that I discovered that all of Crissy's shirts were stained just like the one she had on. So we had to take another trip home before leaving for this event to get them some respectable clothes to wear, some that FIT and some that were STAIN-FREE. This detour, as which I'm sure the whole purpose was, almost made us late. Now since this custody battle has been going on (since July 16th of 2007), this particular individual has been receiving child support from Richard EVERY WEEK. Money that is specifically for things the children need (IE food, CLOTHING, water, etc). Also, since this individual has been receiving child support, she has gotten two tattoos, as I'm sure many people know are not exactly cheap. One on ..9/29/07.. and one on ..05/04/08... My question to normal, free-thinking, common sense possessing people is this: Which should come first?

It Needs to Be Said

I don't have a huge problem with life right now! Actually, as I said in my last blog, there are still a few kinks to work out. And I explained all about those in my last blog, so I won't bore you with them again. But I do have some new things to gush about. Well, not new, but things that have been welling up in me for a while now.

I was going to wait until I had Julian back in the house before I said this, but it's nearing Thanksgiving I just want to express how grateful and thankful I am for my family and friends who have stuck by me through this whole ordeal without once voicing any doubt in me as a parent. My outlook on life would truly be way lower if I didn't have everyone being so understanding and faithful. I mean I have people I don't even know very well telling me how they know I would never hurt my son, and I'm so, so grateful to those people.

~You know who you are and you know who you aren't, but I don't give a fuck about those FEW who aren't supportive of me and my life. Those people don't know me at all and will never get the opportunity to do so because they have forever ruined any chance at it as far as I'm concerned. It pisses me off that I have to add these parts in in the first place, but I'm completely over it. Karma is a bitch and my life is so much more fulfilling knowing that I'm an honest and loving person. I sleep great at night knowing that I'm doing the best I can and doing it honestly. I don't know how on earth some other people sleep. I just try and make sure to add a disclaimer so these people who are so pathetically self-convincing don't try and think of themselves as the good guy in all of this. I have no respect for people like that.

Of course, the biggest portion of this faith and understanding has to come from my parents and my husband. I can't express how much it meant for me for my parents to take such good care of my son while he's been away. My mother is a wonderful woman, and my soon to be step-dad is a great guy, and they've done me the biggest favor of my life (besides giving me life, of course) by making sure he wouldn't go to a foster home while we tried to prove that a bone disease and not child abuse was the reason he was hurt. The only way he'd get better care is if he were with his mommy and daddy where he belongs.

The rest of my family has been amazing as well. My grandma, through a certainly unhealthy obsession with knowing that I didn't hurt my baby, is the reason Julian has been diagnosed with Rickets. She is a beautiful, beautiful woman and she was so very dear to my heart before this, but I'll never be able to explain how much she means to me now. All of my family got daily phone calls from me while I had JJ in the house, and they know how much I love him and how much I love being a mom. Now I get the daily phone calls, of love and support, asking me for updates and wishing me luck every court date at 8 o'clock before we leave. Even in court dates with the-one-who-is-not-to-be-named we feel their love. And they love my stepkids just like they're biological family members.

And my husband? Oh, I've never been more sure of our relationship and our love as I am after all of this. We're so good together. He has given me uncompromising support and love, and I can't count the number of times he has reminded me of what a good mommy I am. These are things I already know, but even in the dark times at night I doubt myself and his reassuring arms around me and soft words whispered are so calming. My husband has never criticized me for anything, comments on how strong and beautiful I am, and it brings tears to his eyes to see how well I treat his kids, as if they were my own. And how well I treat our baby. Words will never be able to express my gratitude. He is a wonderful man and I'm so very glad I stuck through a nasty 1 1/2 year divorce to be able to call him my rightful husband. His name looks so good on me and our children, and I'm looking forward to many years with him. :)

And last but certainly not least, my friends. I have the best friends in the entire world. They have stuck by me through thick and thin with the same uncompromising intolerance of bullshit (remember that divorce? LOTS of bullshit in that divorce) and loving understanding that my family and husband have given me. I know I can always talk to them and get support and encouraging words back. A few of them have children close to Julian's age, and they're real mothers, like me, so they understand how hard it would be for them to go through this knowing they didn't do what they were being accused of doing. My heart almost can't hold all of this love.

Anyway, I didn't get to class this morning and it's Thanksgiving season so I wanted to give thanks. Thanks to my family and friends and loved ones, thanks for being only three weeks away from passing at the end of this semester, and thanks for the strength I have found in myself as a woman, a wife, and a mother through the help of everyone in my life. Even those who would try to bring me down can't touch me. Because with this support system and my determination, I'm untouchable.

General Update

I just wanted to put a general update out there for those of you who have been interested (not obsessed now, you know who!) in how my life's been going and my recent struggles and victories.

First of all, I am enrolled in school full time now, and am enjoying myself. Passing with flying colors, of course, made some new friends, looking forward to a career that doesn't include Walmart or the unemployment, K-CHIP line. It's looking like we'll have the money for me to finish my degree. I'm getting everything but gas money paid for, so that's a perk.

Richard has recently had back surgery, as you may or may not have known. He was injured in March just after we had our new baby boy, and finally had surgery the week of Halloween. He's healing beautifully, and the doctor anticipates that he'll be released back to work soon. This of course means a new job with a bigger pay raise, and a large settlement from the workman's comp people. LOTS of things to do with that money. ;)

~Right here's about the time some of my non-friend, in fact pathetic stalker people, will be starting to get upset. I'd like to remind those of them that are, that my blog posts are for my friends and those that care ABOUT me, not AGAINST me. So fuck off.

In the big news - Julian. My grandma has been a little obsessive during this whole ordeal, convinced as we were that child abuse wasn't the answer to what happened to Julian (knowing we didn't do it). Only instead of keeping busy and pissing people off that I hate to amuse herself like I am, she's been researching, calling, and spending a lot of time on my old dinosaur of a computer trying to find a way to prove it. And she did. What my beautiful grandmother did was send Julian's x-rays to a specialist for observation. That specialist responded by calling my lawyer to inform him that my Julian has Rickets, which has been our suspicions all along, due to the fact that it runs in Richard's family, our knowledge of never hurting our son, and more little hints that we found along the way.

Julian's blood was drawn and tested last week, revealing a barely normal vitamin d level, reinforcing the fact that he had Rickets when he was born and when he was hurt. Needless to say my criminal charges, which some people have had delightful pleasure in spreading around while they're not further destroying the psychological health of their children, will probably be dropped in my upcoming court date due to this new information.

So as you can see, my life is starting to come together a little bit. It's not perfect by far...yet. But I see a move to a nice neighborhood in a home that we'll own soon, getting my babies back, graduating college, and remaining with my wonderful hubby, without whom I would never have made it this far. And it's good.

It's All Coming Together...Maddeningly Slowly

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my neglect of my blog lately. Since I am now determined to make at least a loan payment on my work-from-home activities, I am hoping to update more regularly.

Why a loan payment, you may ask? That's a long story...perhaps one best left for another blog. We'll be moving soon if we get it, to the marital residence my husband won in his divorce.

The main reason I am writing this post is to give those who may not know the whole story involving my baby boy the opportunity to ask me to clarify it for them. I am only offering this story now because I feel like people who don't even know me have given me more support than I ever thought possible. And those that do know me? I'll never be able to thank them enough for it, just the amazing support and love I've been shown. If I get enough comments on this post asking for the story, I will be happy to oblige. However, I may make it a private post so that people I don't care about or even know won't know my entire crisis. If you do not follow me on this blog and want me to post it on another, like Facebook or Myspace, let me know in the comment. I will draft and post it here, then copy it to the other two, where I know I only add people I know.

This ordeal is hopefully almost over, as far as J being out of our home. I'm hoping against hope that by the end of October (more specifically, by Halloween) we'll have him back.

In other news, I have started school this fall at Madisonville Community College. I know, big 'who cares?' I was out of school for two years, had a baby and a wedding, and now I'm back. And I love it. It's really only costing us the gas it takes to get back and forth, and the time, so I don't feel like I'm putting financial strain on our family, and it gets me closer to a real career instead of endless Family Dollar or other cashier jobs. What career? I think it official term is undecided...

Anyway, as you can see, things seem to be coming together for me, finally. There will be a big huge post when I get J back to express my happiness and excitement, and to express the love and gratefulness I feel toward everyone who has shown me such wonderful support.

For now, though, the kids are hungry and they go to their mom's today, so it's time to have fun with them.